Rewind & Fast Forward

Rewind: October 2004.

I leave an awesome career in Employee Benefits Consulting to start a home daycare and be more "hands on & present" for then 17 month old Girl3, 14 year old Girl2, and 15 year old Girl3. For the 6.5 years prior I'd been doing a job I loved for 60+ hours a week but was missing much of the "true calling" of my life - motherhood. I was a single working Mom with the first two, so staying home was never an option. I was a hard core career-driven Mom by the time Girl3 came along so staying home was never a very serious consideration. But as Girl3 grew, and I missed more and more of her toddler fun because of the hours I worked, and as the Girl2 & Girl1 were entering the preteen years - it made sense to chuck the Private School(s) and Daycare costs, enter the Public Schools and vicariously enter my "dream career" of teaching by doing Home Daycare. As long as I can remember I ALWAYS wanted to be a Teacher and a Mommy. But, as life sometimes goes, I didn't get everything I wished for, and never finished college. So now I am the Teacher I always wanted to be, "vicariously" through my Home Daycare, but really I am a Teacher - just not a School Teacher. And I am much happier for the change.

When I left the "Big People World", I was fighting off the "baby-urge". I was going to give it 6 months doing daycare before I made up my mind to have another baby or not. After 3 weeks (mostly only caring for Girl3 and one part-time baby) I decided that 3 children and any home daycare babies I would have would satisfy my maternal instincts. I scheduled the Consultation for the Tubal. I got to the consultation, but it was 2 weeks too late - I was pregnant with Girl4. I went into denial.

Rewind: February 2005.

My belly is big, everyone knows not to talk about it with me. I am not a happy camper and still very much in denial. Inside I am also very angry - how dumb can one be? I knew what caused this situation, I had a plan (6 months waiting period and taking The Pill). I decided the path I was going to take (Tubal), but someone switched the sign on me and now I was reluctantly heading down the path previously traveled 3 times. What would it take for me to realize that this (a baby) was really going to happen and that I could be happy about it? At the time, it seemed nothing short of actually giving birth was going to make me accept being a parent again.

Enter Ham-samwich.

I get a call from a friend, Cowgirl J. She has friends with a newborn. Mom was out on maternity leave, going back to work in a few weeks. They wanted a center, because everyone knows that children are safer in centers (lol). But every place they have visited has been nothing but disappointment, if they could even manage to stay long enough for a formal tour of the facility. Cowgirl thinks I should talk with them - maybe they need to at least consider home daycare options.

And so, after playing "phone tag" for what seemed to be a couple of weeks - Mom & Baby come for a visit. This baby is TINY. We spread out a baby blanket and laid Tiny Baby down on it. She was flanked by me (and my belly) at her head, Mommy at her feet, Grandma Mississippi (up for a visit) at one side in an armchair, and the coffee table on the other side - we had about 3-4 little toddlers tumbling around playing, occasionally trying to pry themselves into the circle to see the baby. We visit, I remember thinking how beautiful a thing "New Mommy Love" really is, as I listened to New Mommy T talk about her job, her daycare dilemma, but mostly how smart and beautiful her new baby is...

I have a spot for open, it could be a baby or a toddler - but it is for right now (Jan.) and they don't need anything until the end of March, when her maternity leave is up. At least, hopefully, she is not scared of all home daycares now. Maybe they will find something, or maybe this spot will still be open...

New Mommy T calls me up a few days later. She wants me to take care of Tiny Baby. She doesn't need to visit any place else - she knows this is the right place. I'm not sure there is any higher honor a person can bestow on you, entrusting their child in your care. And this is my first, full-time newborn. Yes, she knows that I will be having a baby too - just a few months after they start - that's okay with them. We create my policy on holding a spot when I have one (and need some income) but before a family really needs it. You learn by doing - Amen?

And so, I begin nesting for Tiny Baby. Yes, I nest for all incoming daycare babies - that should not seem weird, but comforting if you are a parent. Second Policy this baby helped create: The Baby Zone. I created what is now referred to around here as "The Baby Zone" - the safe haven for a newborn in care. This is a toddler-free area, blocked by gates, void of low lying temptations for toddlers (except that ever tempting swing), and a high-up bassinet with an individual diaper changing area. I bought a brand new Pac n Play for Tiny Baby (even though the one I had was very nice), I wash sheets & blankets, I buy some fresh pink burp cloths. I start to get excited about this Tiny Baby - so sweet & "fresh" and so precious.

Rewind: March 2005

Tiny Baby starts. "Now Remember" I remind myself daily - Mom wants the very best care for her - but don't tell her (or Daily Report) any "firsts" because Mom doesn't want to miss them and will just experienced them second-hand - unknowingly - if necessary. Funny, I remember feeling the same way, once upon a time. At least, I won't have to feel that way about Baby4...did I just think that?

Then, in those first 4-5 weeks I felt a shift not just physically (belly) but in my heart too. Tiny Baby was filling a spot in my heart that I did not even know was empty. Maybe it started with Tiny Baby laying on my big belly & chest taking a nap (with Girl4 moving inside), maybe it was Tiny Baby cradled in my arms atop of my belly taking a bottle and staring so sweetly at me (with Girl4 moving inside), but I started to get excited. I would soon introduce Tiny Baby to her first Best Friend - who still will sometimes kick her for attention. Tiny Baby was so awesome. She was a "good baby" who stuck pretty much to her schedule and seldom cried. Occasionally, I would get a call from New Mommy T asking me what to do - something wasn't right, tell me what it was, ask for suggestions/advice. So we settled in - Daycare Mommy and Tiny Baby. A new friend in New Mommy T and Just J (Daddy).

And as we bonded, a second spot seemed to develop. A new spot opening in my heart, a new life coming, and I had better get my husband to set up that baby bed - tonight - because there will be a new baby in just a couple of weeks. Nesting On. (again).

So, the first reason that God sent Tiny Baby, this Ham-samwich, to me was to soften my spirit and get myself ready for Girl4. To change my attitude about "being on the wrong path because of a switched sign" into the wonderment of New Life and what He had planned for this special - Girl4 of mine. Without Ham-samwich, I think it would have have been nothing short of actually giving birth to Girl4's that would have prepared me emotionally for her arrival.

And now that I've known this Ham-samwich for all this time, I can see many, many more reasons God has placed her (and her Family) into my (and my familie's) life.

Fast Forward: Today

I knew this day was coming, all summer actually. My Ham-sandwich is "growing away" to Preschool. Tiny Baby has grown up into a wonderful, smart, musical, beautiful Big Girl. I don't want her to go - but I know it has to happen.

There is so much we will miss about her around here Monday through Friday. Who is going to spontaneously belt out a tune from The Sound of Music, or Annie during playtime now? Who will rise to the spot of Chief Tattler, or Mini Marty? None, I tell you - not even Girl4.

There is a big party tonight at Ham-samwich's House. It's for our families and Cowgirl J's family - I'm not not sure what New Mommy T and Just J have planned out. I've just been warned that tissues will be required. Gotta go, another post coming. But I can only handle so many tears and thoughts and memories at a given point, some more will need to fill another post. Pictures too - but right now I just can only focus on this being a great day (and trying to save the tears for later).

My 1st Full-time Daycare Family

S Family #1. My first full-time family - your first daycare provider. Leaving a 15-month-old Mister C with me in December of 2004 - sending "Mr. Mom" back into Big People Land. How hard that must have been, to trust someone with so much of your heart, your Little Boy. Bringing a newborn Miss Bliss to me just a few months old in 2006.

Thank you for the trust you have given me, for letting me love your children. There really isn't a bigger honor than entrusting your child with someone in my book. And I feel truly blessed that all of you have been included in the design of my life.

Our friendship tonight will change with the loss of our Monday-Friday routine of drop-off and pick-up. Where has the time gone? And why in the world did I put mascara on this morning? Can I make the font on this post small enough so that I can say what I need - and you can still read it? I've mentally written this post a hundred times in the past few months - changing course as many times as I've changed diapers (and we all know I like to change diapers often).

So I've dwelled, and now I'm dealing with it. Keeping the Kleenex handy. My tears have been intermittent and light the last few weeks, especially while mentally blogging about what to say. But my tears have been falling since last night, just after I called out "See you tomorrow - it's Friday - Cheesy Egg Day!" to Miss Bliss as she left for the day. It hit me that I wouldn't being saying that again to one of your children. Maybe you could make her some Cheesy Eggs next Friday, her and Mister C, before Preschool? That would help me a little.

It isn't just Miss Bliss I will miss - it's getting the occasional surprise visit by Mr. C when he comes for pick-up or drop-off. It is hearing Mr. S comment about how great the kitchen smells this morning, or asking how the garden is coming along, or swapping recipes with him. I'll never forget those incredible "600 Ingredient Enchiladas" he made and I tried to imitate (quite unsuccessfully I may add). It's hearing about Mrs. S's tough day at the office, or how much she missed her family while she was away on business. It's hearing about your upcoming weekend plans, and then finding out how they panned out on Monday.

It isn't good-bye, it's only a change - I must keep telling myself. We have Birthdays, play-dates, BBQs, and Holiday Parties to share ahead. It is not the end of the world, just a big change.

Last night, this morning, and tonight, I get to cry. I promise to try not to cry too hard when I say good-bye to you today. You may think I'm crying hard when you leave, but really it starts when the door closes - you really don't get to see the hard stuff. It isn't "good-bye forever", it's only a change...

And to Miss Bliss:

You will be missed. And that my dear, is an understatement. I finally found a Broken Heart in my clip-art collection for today's Daily Report. That's how I feel today, a little broken-hearted.

You came to me a little baby, and leave me a Little Girl - almost a Big Girl. Off on your first grand adventure, Preschool. You will do great - I've raised you for this day, even though it hurts to let you go (oops, forgot I wasn't your Mother for a minute).

You are determined, ornery, and stubborn: Yes, those 3 traits vary greatly from one another - you proved that to me.

You are such a "Sassy-pants" at times (times good, times bad).

You are also a delightfully silly little soul.

You have a great sense of humor for someone so young.

Your spontaneous leg hugs and kisses just melt my heart away.

Your reflective moments are beautiful to witness.

You are a daring learner.

Through your beautiful twinkling eyes, in that wild-haired-head of yours, I can "see the wheels turning".

I am retiring your sippy cup from all future daycare duty. It was your Big Brother's cup, which you inherited (despite the trucks on it) when he ventured off to Preschool. Nobody but an S-family kid could ever use that cup.

Take it, go in Peace, and SEE YOU LATER - ALLIGATOR.